BY MIKE BRENNAN, Staff Columnist
Halloween ended 15 days ago, which means “Christmas Jr.” evolved into “Real Christmas” 16 days ago. Radio stations have been playing the same 15 songs in nauseating amounts. The kicker? HALF OF YOU FOOLS LOVE IT! Call me Lewis Black, but November is Thanksgiving and NOT CHRISTMAS!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas as much as the next average white-boy, but I feel that seeing Christmas snowflake lights hanging next to a haunted house (Wyandotte does it…seriously) is just wrong. Not to mention some of the most obnoxious, anger inducing tunes ever to wreak havoc on my eardrums.
So here is the first of many “Top 5/ Top 10” lists I will provide in lieu of an incredible rant. These songs are in no specific order.
Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs to be Played Before December 20th
1. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas– John Cox wrote arguably the most irritating oboe riff known to mankind, then somehow got a hold of a 10 year old girl (Gayla Peevey) and made a song that’s probably numero uno on Mike Brennan’s Christmas Shitlist. Thank god it was a girl and not a boy, or else I’d make a Penn State Joke (too soon? Tough)
2. Dominic the Donkey– Once again, the oboe ruins Christmas. Richard Allen, Sam Saltzberg, and Lou Monte basically plagiarized the riff that made “Hippo” such a delight to despise, and wrote the ethnically (Italian) charged song about a donkey….a f***ing donkey. Not just any donkey, but one that Santa likes better than his reindeer because it can climb the hills of Italy.
3. All I Want for Christmas Is You– Superdiva Mariah Carey took one of the most overused pickup lines and made it into a four minute upbeat excuse for me to stop listening to the radio. The only thing that would make this song worse would be if it featured an oboe.
4. Santa Baby– Adding way to much sex-appeal to a religious holiday.
5. Wonderful Christmas Time– Paul McCartney took the same concepts to the first two songs, and switched an oboe with a keyboard synthesizer, recorded a 10 second riff, and then repeated it for just under four minutes. I have never used hard drugs, because I’m pretty sure this song sums up what it would feel like, and its not for me.