By JOHN MACDONELL, Staff Columnist

Dear Hockey Fans,

Attention ladies and gentlemen. Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!  Lights, camera, hockey! Twenty dollars will get you in the door for the nosebleed seats in the upper-bowl (don’t forget about parking and concessions but we’ll get to that in a few). Sure it’ll be more expensive to sit closer to the glass but hey, the Red Wings have a bevy of talent to watch night in and night out! Remember the magician Pavel Datsyuk? We still have him. Our newly named captain Hank Zetterberg is still among the class of elites in the NHL (forget about the fact that he hasn’t scored over 80 points in a single season since 2007-08 that’s not important). We’re the Red Wings, baby. We’ve got 21 straight playoff appearances and four Stanley Cups in that timeframe. Did you forget? Don’t worry, we’re here to remind you.

Now we know that there’s been some squabbling between the owners and the players about how to split the revenue the League brings in. It’s a relatively small number in comparison to the other three major sports in this country, only a few billion dollars. Pay no attention to the fact that it was millionaires fighting against billionaires over a few percentage shares. We’ve fixed all that! We came to an agreement on how to split that money and it only took us 119 days to do so! Did you forget about us? Sure basketball is on, but who needs that. We’re the mighty NHL! Forget for a second that about as many of you watch professional bowling as you do us. That’s not important. We just want you to know how much we missed you fans (and your money).

Look, we here in Detroit understand how painful this whole negotiation process has been for you fans so we’re here to make it right. You know about Ticketmaster right? Those guys you buy our tickets off of online? We’ll waive those fees. That’s right!  For one 24 hour period only, that five dollar fee online = gone. Don’t even worry about it. Think that’s all we’re doing to thank you fans for sticking with us? Oh that’s nothing. Here in Detroit, we’re even talking about a few games where we’ll offer half off concessions and even have you forget about the parking passes! The product on the ice might be terrible but who cares! You guys can be enjoying that four-dollar beer and that $10 three meat treat from Little Caesars.

So once again, we here at the Detroit Red Wings are sincerely sorry for our part in the 2012-13 NHL lockout. We know you diehard fans missed us every step of the way and we’re here to make things right. Our ultimate goal here is to win the Stanley Cup and we won’t rest until that goal is attained.

Sincerely,
The Detroit Red Wings

P.S.
Did we tell you to bring your money with you?