By KRISTEN GOLEMBIEWSKI, Opinions Editor
As I prepare to graduate next month, there are a lot of things on my mind. What will I wear? Should I invite my family to the ceremony, or should I scalp the tickets and try to make back the money I spent on my cap and gown? Should I make a drinking game out of our commencement speaker’s speech? And most importantly, who will be our commencement speaker?
The student speaker has already been announced, and I look forward to the struggle of trying to stay awake as Student Government President Dennis Lienhardt speaks. But we still haven’t heard who our all-important guest speaker will be, and while that person has likely already been chosen, I’ve prepared a list of people I’d actually listen to when we all gather in that sweaty fieldhouse next month.
Because we’re apparently Wolverines now (a label that I fully reject, just as many Ann Arbor students reject us assuming that name), it’s time for the school to step it up. I hate to put our little campus in the same league as our big brother school, but since the UM-Dearborn administration is so hell-bent on doing so, I will, too.
This year, Ann Arbor will host Dick Costolo, U-M alumnus and Twitter’s CEO. Not to mention, they’ve hosted Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s chief medical correspondent and President Barack Obama. I can’t even remember who we’ve had – that’s how unmemorable our guests have been. I would never want to diminish the accomplishments of these people, because I’m sure they’re talented, successful people.
But it’s time to step it up, UM-Dearborn. I want a name I can dangle in front of people’s faces like our Ann Arbor counterparts dangle their “superior” everything in front of us. So to save you some trouble, I’ve prepared a list of memorable people who come with some serious bragging rights.
1. Kwame Kilpatrick. No, this suggestion is not a joke. I know he’s currently in jail, but I think you guys could swing getting him out on a tether for a few hours. This is a man who lives life by his own corrupt set of rules and refuses to apologize for it. You can call him a criminal all you want, but the man has cajones. I don’t agree with what he’s done, but I can respect his attitude. Detroit’s Hip Hop Mayor would no doubt have some serious wisdom to share.
2. Dan Gilbert. Here’s a serious suggestion for all you fuddy-duddies. Dan Gilbert is the chairman and founder of Quicken Loans, he owns the Cleveland Cavaliers, and he’s emerging as a serious player in Detroit’s future. He has some wisdom to share, and besides, it’d probably be a good idea to get on his good side before he owns the entire city of Detroit.
3. Charlie LeDuff. This suggestion isn’t a joke, either. Love him or hate him, Charlie LeDuff is unapologetically Charlie LeDuff. I think we could all learn a lot from his unconventional, no-nonsense attitude. Not to mention, the guy has some serious accolades – he’s a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, formerly of The New York Times. One thing is for sure: his speech would not be boring, and that’s important when you’re trying not to succumb to the locker room aroma of the fieldhouse.
4. Ryan Gosling. Hey, girl. I heard you’re in town scouting locations for a new movie.
5. Lil B, The Based God. For those who aren’t familiar, Lil B is an eccentric rapper best known for his use of Twitter, where he tweets positive messages to his followers. Last year, he went to NYU and gave a lecture in which he discussed everything from his newly adopted cat (“You know I’m the first rapper to adopt a tabby cat. You know I adopted straight from the ASPCA, you feel me?”) to his philosophy of loving one another (“We all got problems too, bro, real talk. We all can have something that we can relate to.”). The best part is that we probably wouldn’t have to pay him that much, because Lil B would give a lecture in your basement if you asked him to.
6. Joumana Kayrouz. Joumana reminds me of the villains from The Powerpuff Girls who would plaster their face all over Townsville as part of their takeover of the city. Much like Dan Gilbert, it would be a good idea to get on her good side before she takes over Dearborn.