Indecent Exposure

By JASON SINGER, Opinion Editor

What better way to start the New Year than with a new column?

Furthermore, what better way to start a column titled Indecent Exposure than with a lovely story about nudity?

The incident in which I am referring took place on July 10, 2013. It was a warm sunny day in Colorado; birds chirping in the trees; the gentle sound of running water as the river flowed in between the mountains. The sky was deep cobalt. There could be no more perfect conditions for a flashing to take place to incur the chaos that ensued.

I had just arrived to the park with my sister, her fiancé, and her friend Joel. We were about to engage in a fiercely competitive beach volleyball tournament. However, my sister and I were already at a severe disadvantage being the tiny people that we are. It was Hobbits vs. Big People.

After a half hour of straight losing, we decided to take a break. Joel asked me if I’d like to play the Net Game. I, hoping to redeem our team’s honor, accepted to play at a chance to beat the Big People at another game.

The Net Game, as Joel described, is where two people stand on opposite sides of the net and weave your hands through each square and the first to make it to the top wins.

I cracked my knuckles, stomped my foot, and put on my game face.

“One..two..three…Go!” my sister yelled.

Indecent Exposure Pic. But in my desire to win, in my naiveté that all humans are fair and inherently good, I had grossly overlooked the fact that I was playing the devil.

For this reason, as I looked longingly at the top of the net, as my hands grew ever closer to reach the heaven’s above, I failed to notice the smile on the onlookers’ faces. I failed to notice my sister turn her head in bashfulness. I failed to notice that I was the only one whose hands were caught in the net.

Only until it was too late, Joel took his free hands and pulled my bathing suit down to the ground exposing parts of me that hadn’t seen the light of day in millennia. I was hopelessly trapped in the net, thrashing about like a fish. I know now that in my past life I was an innocent dolphin, who died because he swam into a cove thinking friendly Japanese fishermen were there to play only to be slaughtered, canned, and sold as tuna.

And while my dignity was lost on that sandy volleyball court, I had still come out on top. Because I did not wind up on a sexual predator’s list fortunately for me, seeing as children and families were celebrating a birthday party next to our tournament. Although  I cannot say the fate of the stunned onlookers turned out so well, especially when those children probably would have to undergo years of psychotherapy.

On a much deeper note, not that anything can compete with the philosophical dilemmas posed by exposed genitals, Indecent Exposure is a going to set a new precedence for a measly school column.

It is going to be a bare-all, tell-all-Throwing the naked truth out there about people, relationships, decision-making, and of course, how to get through life at times when we feel utterly indecent. No man, woman, or child (well probably children) will be spared from the spotlight of justice. If there is a truth to be exposed, exposed it shall be.