By JASON SINGER, Opinion Editor
Love is different for everyone.
For some, it is this all-powerful force that can move Heaven and Hell if need be.
To me, it’s an ephemeral notion due to a release of hormones when you see the person you have a strong attraction to. Or the translation that occurs in a straight guy’s head is: “Hey, one day that chick is gonna be my baby momma, and that’s pretty cool.”
Well I’m gay. And I certainly pray that my boyfriend isn’t going to be pregnant with my future demon child.
But our one year anniversary is coming up, and that’s a problem. If you go all out on your first anniversary- roses, champagne, singing narwhals- than it’s all downhill from there. Which is why I’m going to make it the worst day of his life.Nothing says I love you like kicking him out the night before. Or like telling him I am moving to Belarus with a 6 foot tall woman named Deloris.
I already made the mistake on his last birthday. A surprise deep tissue massage, tickets to Of Monsters and Men, and a trip to Colorado are going to be nigh on impossible to top this year. Unless I pull some strings and get the cast of Glee to sing him happy birthday.
If I’ve learned anything from the wisdom of my father is: “Son, don’t date a taller woman like I did.Date a woman who can look up to you, not the other way around. And secondly, always break up with them Christmas Eve and get back together on the 26th to avoid getting a gift.” Sound words Dad, sound words indeed.
But of course, losing a guy in ten days, or in one on your anniversary, doesn’t apply to only people in relationships. Maybe you are the type of person who isn’t all lovey dovey. Maybe you have the pure molten hot sex drive of a frat guy and only see other humans as pieces of meat. Then what you are looking for is not love on ChristianMingles.com, it’s a Friends With Benefits.
We have all heard the stories about FWB, there is no happy ending. And they all are true. No matter how carnivorous you think you are, not matter how heartless you’ve gauged yourself to be, FWB never, ever work out.
From a purely scientific point of you, having sex with the same partner more than once makes it impossible not to release the dreaded Oxytocin which will inevitably lead you to falling for the grade A steak you picked up at a discotech.
Which is why, if you do engage in the dangerous games of FWB, try to find one who is leaving the country in the very near future. Any departure date longer than 10 days is just too risky.
Trust me, I know. But the benefits of my FWB weren’t sex, it was my relationship. He wasn’t leaving my country, but he was leaving a country. Canada to be exact. And he was going to Prague.
And losing those benefits hurts the most. The moments of laughing at a drugged up housewife on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, or making fun of a Botox-injected mom at Somerset, or watching the two hour documentary of Britney Spears realizing those were two hours you could never take back, but it was okay because you enjoyed it together.
Friends With Benefits hurt most of all because I miss my friend.
Sometime’s life throws you a curve ball. And sometimes it throws you Chris Brown’s fist. Either way, we are never quite prepared for it. Losing a guy in 10 days doesn’t work out because, in the end, we are all human. No matter how hard you deny it, or how much you occasionally enjoy total darkness and a glass of O Negative, you are human. And you feel no matter how much Botox is pumped into your face or how much Silicone is filling that double D bra.
So go ahead. Try the game of losing a guy (or girl) in 10 days. But it’s like betting on the amputated horse at the horserace. Someone’s always going to lose. And the only way that horse is going to win is if Toby McGuire tries sitting on its back and if that’s the case, who wouldn’t run for their lives?