By JASON SINGER, Opinion EditorReal America

It is no secret I hate emotional people.

Humans are bad enough as it is, let alone when they have snot running down their face, swollen cheeks from crying, and you aren’t sure if they are going to cough or throw up on you when they go in for a hug.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with crying. I just don’t do it very often.

The first time my boyfriend saw me cry (only three times in the year we’ve been dating), he said, “Are you okay?”

I responded, “Of course I am, my eyes are just lactating again.” (Chocolate milk, in case you were wondering.)

The bad thing about sensitive people is it’s always an uphill battle with them. Something is always going to be wrong. You will always do something to offend them.

I once had a friend who cried because we couldn’t find a parking spot. Once being the key word. For Christ’s sake! Do us both a favor and kill me to save you the embarrassment of having a witness to watch such a pathetic event.

Being sensitive can be a good thing. But being overly sensitive is definitely not. If I wanted to be around someone who is an emotional wreck all the time I would have kept Amanda Bynes in my SnapChat.

Overly sensitive people are the reason satire is a dying breed of comedy. When asked why I went to Portland instead of Vegas for my twenty-first birthday, I replied, “I’m too Jewish to gamble.” Am I anti-Semitic? That would be quite a paradox seeing as I am one of the Chosen People myself.

Super Sensitivity (appropriately shortened as SS) is partly why America has such a bad reputation abroad. Why would anyone from another country take us seriously when we had such a revolt over the latest Coca-Cola ad during the Super Bowl?

For those of you who didn’t see, it featured America, the Beautiful sung in multiple languages. According to critics and people with no lives, the ad was a “Slap in the face to America”. One Twitter user twatted, “Coca Cola is the official drink of illegals crossing the border”. Of course it is! What else would give them enough energy to outrun border patrol?

Red Bull would be my choice of course, it gives you wings!

Michael Leahy, from breitbart.com, said, “The company used such an iconic song…to push multiculturalism down our throats…and the ad also features a prominently gay couple”.

Damn Coca-Cola! As if watching three hours of grown men in tights wrestling over a ball isn’t gay enough, they have to emphasize it even more. Our entire system, especially the judicial system, is broken and can all be traced back to the emotional instability of one soccer mom who has nothing better to do than create an uproar. Remember the McDonald’s hot coffee lawsuit a few years back?

SS people (and no I’m not referring to Nazis) are why I’ve decided I need to start becoming friends with more sociopaths.

Sociopath actually doesn’t exist as an official abnormal psychological diagnosis. It is called Antisocial Personality Disorder. It is characterized by a “Lack of remorse, empathy, and repeated use of deceitfulness for personal profit or pleasure”.

The most obvious benefit of befriending a sociopath is that they are inherently very intelligent. In order to manipulate and lie all the time it would be quite an oxymoron to be a dumb sociopath.

Now while telling a joke to someone who is a sociopath might not elicit a fruitful response, at least they would not be offended either.

Can you imagine what a better world it would be if everyone was a sociopath? So many less frivolous lawsuits, so many less brawls, so many less tears. Granted, you’d have to be on your toes all the time. Is John actually in the bathroom or stealing my social security number?

Life would never be dull.

Sociopaths are at one end of the emotional spectrum. And while they might not feel anything, at least they don’t feel too much.

Life is too short to get so hyped over little things. Making an issue over nothing. To quote an author I met once while describing English Majors, “People often try to look for meaning where there is none”.

So if you are one of these people who kick up a fuss over nothing or choose to take your mommy issues out on others, I hear Dr. Phil needs some new content. For everyone else, kick back, relax, and drink a Coke.

This article brought to you by: Coca-Cola- liquid patriotism in every can.

  • Anna

    Interesting that you won’t publish a response to this guys piece from before, but he can indirectly attack the person who wrote it. Cheers.

  • Kelsey Lewczynski

    Is this supposed to be some response to the flak you received for your poorly researched and written article last week (I’d link it, but it was taken off the MJ)? I mean, I’m 90% sure it is because this has all the subtlety of a brick to the face.
    How dare you call people super sensitive for reacting negatively to your condescending words. How dare you make huge generalizations and perpetuate harmful stereotypes and be insulted that you were called out on it. How dare you silence others and put yourself up as the victim. And furthermore, I haven’t seen the response to that article be put on the site, even though I /know/ it’s been written. In the words of a good friend and better writer: “If you can dish it out, you damn well better be able to take it.”

    Dearborn is all about inclusion? I’m not so sure anymore.

  • A concerned alum

    What’s unfortunate about this article and the many other articles of Jason Singer, is that he doesn’t realize how his words can indirectly hurt someone. I’m saddened that the MJ has allowed this to continue further realizing that the University of Michigan-Dearborn has a long way to go to being considered a highly regarded university.