MaryanneBy MARYANNE RAFKA, Copy Editor

Question: I have trouble pooping when I’m on campus, but I’m here for long periods of time, and it’s really uncomfortable to hold it. What do I do?

Answer: Well, a lot of people seem to have this problem (except me, I can poop anywhere). However, here is my suggestion: when you have to poop but you’re afraid to do it on campus, ask yourself why. Is it because you don’t want anyone else to smell it? Use the bathroom when no one else is in there, or use smaller bathrooms (like the one in the Social Sciences Building). Is it because you don’t want anyone to hear you pooping? Flush throughout (yes, even though we have automatic flushing toilets, you can press a button to flush manually). The bottom line is that you deserve to have healthy bowel movements. Everyone poops. And everyone’s poop smells. Don’t be so self-conscious.

Question: One of my professors is really hot, and I get distracted when they lecture. How do I make up for zoning out in class? I don’t want to fail.

Answer: Imagine your professor in the ways you usually do – probably dirty ways I won’t mention here – and then imagine your mom being there. You’ll stop thinking about your professor altogether.

Question: I’ve done “the deed” with several different people on campus since I’ve started going here. My most recent partner doesn’t want to because they’re scared of being caught. What’s a good place to carry out “the deed” on campus?

Answer: My favorite place is CASL 1086. Be sure to turn off the lights!

Question: I have feelings for pizza. How do I deal?

Answer: I have feelings for pizza, too. Dirty feelings. Wanting pizza in the middle of the night feelings. Crying about pizza feelings. And it’s hard. But then I remember that Domino’s delivers.

Question: I fell in love with someone online. I see her face in the clouds, in the soup I eat at lunch, all over campus, but I’ve never actually met her in real life. What do I do?

Answer: You tell her. People meet other people online all the time! It’s normal to develop feelings for someone you meet on tumblr or OKCupid. Tell her, and then maybe you will get to see her face in real life.

Email your questions to Maryanne at umd.mj.copy@gmail.com! You’re questions will be answered in print, and you will be kept completely anonymous.