Indecent Exposure

By JASON SINGER, Opinion Editor

I won’t sugar coat it.

I don’t believe in god.

So if you’re expecting a heartwarming and inspiring story of how I found religion after seeing the outline of Jesus in a Big Mac, then you might as well stop reading now.

But sometimes things happen so indescribably coincidental that it’s hard not to believe in some higher power. For some, that higher power is god. For other, it’s booze and strippers.

For me, I haven’t really figured out what that power is exactly other than some magic I pickpocketed off of Sabrina The Teenage Witch.

You see, I have nothing against religions. Other than the fact that they can and have been used to justify the slaughter of millions of people over the course of human history, I also think that for some they can provide a solid way of grounding oneself and providing a nice source of hope.

But I do have an issue when people pray for materialistic things. A woman I have known for years always includes in her daily prayers, “Please God, let me win the lotto”. I have also heard the, what I like to call Kardashian Hail-Kanye, “Please God, let me be famous.” If you want to be famous, take matters into your own hands like classy Kim K did and make a sex tape. And if you want to win the lotto so you can buy a mansion, maybe what you are looking for is not spirituality, but another religion called Capitalism.

I stopped praying for material goods ever since that anti-Semitic jerk Santa Claus never delivered a dwarf pony down my chimney when I was nine. Although, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I do believe PETA stonewalled my letter citing it as animal cruelty. Dropping a pony down a chimney with a lit fire is mere common courtesy. How else would I defrost it coming from the North Darth Vader Pope
Pole?

As a Jew, I don’t believe in Hell so I’m not really too concerned with burning in eternal flames. And as a non-practicing Jew, I’m not even sure if we do believe in Heaven. While I respect my ancestral religion, I have always believed that any ideology that prevents me from eating something as delicious as bacon is not really a legitimate belief system I can stand behind. As I used to say on an online dating website when asked my religion: Jewish by birth; Atheist by bacon addiction.

To be fair, as tribute to my heritage, I do support some aspects of Judaism as a show of good faith to my people. It is why I am a staunch protester of people who label circumcision as cruel to prevent them from ruining penises worldwide. It may not be the easiest cause to advocate for, but when did change makers ever take the easy road?

When it comes to faith a bumper sticker I saw once comes to mind:
Have Faith, Drive with Your Eyes Closed

I have never really had faith in anything; which, for a long time, made me think something was wrong with me. I don’t give a damn about sports. School spirit is a bit too drink-the-Kool-Aide happy for my satanic taste buds. Seeing as I will become soon an ex-citizen of the U.S., I clearly show no moral obligations to my country. So, at the end of the day, what is faith?

Faith can be defined as that thing that helps you sleep at night; despite whatever atrocities you committed during the day. It is also known as Ambien.

Many people are so concerned with the afterlife they forget to live their current ones. And if you can’t enjoy the present and your daily life than you might as well put yourself in a medically-induced coma because you’re already living in a metaphorical one.

Religion may not be for me, but if it is your forte then good for you. Religion is two things. It can be a beacon of light which inspires hope and a path for which one to follow. And it is also like a penis. Please don’t try and shove it down my throat.