Finding Malaysia: Coming to a Skyline Near You

By AMANI BADRAN, Staff Writer 

I’ve lost a lot in my lifetime: a few pairs of socks, a couple old friends, my mind, and
so much more I stopped keeping track. One thing I can confidently say I haven’t lost?

A plane.

We are officially at the one-month anniversary of the disappearance of
Malaysia Airlines flight MH370, and I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m just as confused today about the incident as I was on the day it happened. News coverage is beginning to show timelines, starting at day one: “plane goes missing,” to week four: “plane still missing.”

I would love to go into details and specifics but really it happened exactly how it
sounds. The plane literally disappeared. Of course there are records of the last
time the plane had any radio communication, but apparently that was while it was
35,000 feet in the air and still progressing upward. As far as I’m concerned, that
birdy flew right into heaven. But let’s not mix religion and politics. I mean this is
politics isn’t it? I can’t help but claim that this whole thing is a conspiracy. If that’s a
stretch, then I think we can all at least agree that the progress made in this situation
equals zero and that makes me skeptical.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this tragedy, it’s don’t ever challenge a plane
to a game of hide and seek. Especially since we’ve now learned that even with the
advancement of today’s technology, we still Malaysia IIwon’t be able to locate it. I’m kind of a
sore loser so I won’t be taking that chance.

Apparently Malaysian police are investigating whether passengers or crew had any “personal” or “psychological” problems that may have caused this tragedy. I have a
long list of personal problems. None of them have exactly triggered my urge to take down a plane. But then again, we have psychos who shoot up schools because they have mommy issues, so who knows.

I don’t exactly consider myself an expert on Malaysian government or policy, but
it’s 2014. What government doesn’t have the means to locate a plane? One thing I
know for sure: no one does detective work better than a crazy ex-girlfriend. I think
the best approach to this situation is to track the list of men who boarded that plane, and then track their ex-girlfriends. Give them two hours, they’ll find that plane.