Some people think its narcissistic writing your own obituary. I think you’re stupid not to. Why trust someone to sum your personality and life up in a newspaper ad nobody reads anyway. And how could I enjoy my afterlife knowing someone did me an injustice? If I did choose my spouse or child to write it I might use the great RuPaul’s wise words as encouragement, “Don’t F**CK it up!” And seeing as this is the last issue of the year and the last column of Indecent Exposure, an obituary seemed only fitting.
Jason Singer, age 21, died doing what he loved most: insulting people and snorting Nesquick.
He tried to kick the bucket, but due to his lack of motor skills tripped over it and his spine snapped in two. Though a legal adult, his childlike looks still remain even after he was so rudely stolen from us. We can only hope that some generous spirit in the afterlife can help guide him to a better path…and we pray that spirit isn’t Helen Keller.
While many believed that this chocolaty powder was the direct cause of his short lived life, there is reason to suspect foul play. Just hours before the incident, Singer was seen in a bar with a girlfriend for Friday night ‘Gurl Time’, to catch up and talk about what a bunch of douche bags men are. Their server exclaimed, “I recommended to him that he should smoke a reefer because he looked tired and bogged down. He looked puzzled then replied, ‘Why would I smoke a Roofie?’”
While we may never know why the same benevolent overlord that stood by passively while a big crowd staked his son to a cross, we can be sure of one thing-Jason was never going to the same place as Jesus no matter what path he chose.
Seconds before his final passing, a witness at the scene who propped his head in her lap as he took his few last breaths said he managed to say some final words. “Please…”he whispered almost inaudibly (according to the witness who happens to be deaf), “Tell my family…they’re a bunch of assholes.”
We have learned many things from Jason along the way.
Never take candy from a sexual predator.
Make sure your drug dealer is also an accountant so you can write of your meth as a business expense.
If you ever encounter an uncircumcised penis…yell “FIRE” and run for your life.
You can’t be racist if you’re colorblind.
Don’t fly on Malaysian Air just to save a buck.
When life gives you lemons, squeeze it in your enemies’ eyes.
Never underestimate how many uses a clothes hanger actually has.
Money will never buy you happiness, only hookers.
If you believe in horoscopes, then you probably should’ve never left rehab.
Don’t hire Casey Anthony as a babysitter.
If you go on a date with Chris Brown…well don’t go looking for sympathy.
Jason Singer was loved by a few but hated by many. As he famously put it, “Haters are still a type of fan. Some writers aspire for a Pulitzer, I aspire for death threats. Trophies are fleeting. Bullet wounds are forever.”
While we have learned a lot from Jason, he has learned a lot during this past year. He learned not to take life too seriously, it causes constipation. He learned that you don’t need a genie to grant you a wish. We make our own luck. He learned that home is where the heart is. And if you don’t have a heart, then Siri will tell you where your home is. He learned that dreams are like tampons; neither should be thrown in the toilet.
He learned that STOP signs actually aren’t optional, but he always was a determined go-getter and no bureaucratic red tape (or signs) were going to prevent him from getting where he needed to go. He learned that just because they are called ‘friends’ on Facebook, doesn’t mean they will necessarily be there for you when you need them. He learned a true friend is there to escort you to Planned Parenthood when you have nothing better to do and want to see if you test positive…for being adopted. He learned that you can’t pick your relatives, but you can choose your family. He learned that “No” means “Yes” but only when it comes to your goals in life not sexual encounters.
And most importantly, Jason learned that fulfilling your dreams is the most important thing in life in order to be true to who you are. If you do what you love and find someone to pay you to do it, you can unlock your premarital celibacy because you’ve already reached heaven.